National Coming Out Day

I don’t really have a good post for Coming Out Day, mostly because I have really bad memory, and because when I actually came out, people weren’t surprised, and people didn’t really care. I’m fortunate to be one of the few whose parents and family were supportive and loving. They didn’t disown me, and the only thing they show me every day is how much they care. So even though it’s late, my Coming Out Day post is about being a gay kid trying to come to terms with himself.

I just remember shades of emotions and islands of little memories. I remember being sad a lot, and not being understood. I remember hiding it all behind a big smile and laughter. I remember loving comedy, and jokes, because it can hide the unpleasantness. I remember being drawn to characters that knew how to hide their demons and slapped a smile on their face, because I related. To this day, I escape with video games and laughter, because it’s much easier than talking about something that gives me great pain.

One of the things I remember about being gay while I was a young teen growing up is how scared I was. I grew up in a Catholic household, with supportive parents and siblings who didn’t hate me, but I was still afraid. I was afraid because I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. I was afraid because I didn’t fit into what everyone thought a boy should be. I was in a school surrounded by guys who were being whatever being a man was, much better than I was.

There were times when my older brothers or classmates would ask why I would run a certain way; or talk a certain way, or why I picked girls in video games, or why I loved the color purple as though it were a condemnation of these things as a boy–and it made me doubt myself. It made me retreat into myself. I decided to write, and to sing, and to express myself in ways that I couldn’t because I had to outwardly present as something else so that I could conform and survive. I know I didn’t do a good job, and I laugh about it now with my family because I can now–but back then, I remember just feeling how…wrong everything was.

I remember calling a friend on the telephone to ask about homework, and his older brother asked if he had a girlfriend. I was THAT shy. I was THAT softspoken, because I didn’t want to rock the boat. And even though I had a wonderful support system, and maybe all I needed to do was tell them, it took me until I was eighteen, and in college, to say anything out loud.
In some ways, I think coming out saved my life.

Now that I’m an adult and out and proud, I have a different set of problems. Being gay in this life is still really difficult, but it’s a whole different ballpark now. I’m thankful to have come out, because I still have the love and support of my family and friends and it shows me that they love me for who I am. But the scars of growing up scared, and afraid, of feeling like I wasn’t man enough, or strong enough–not masculine enough–still remain. Life as a gay person is hard, and it’s lonely…sometimes, I feel like it’s that way even more so than for straight people. But I’m not here to compare wounds or to call my pain worse than other people’s. I’m just here to share my story.

If anything else, I hope these shades of emotions can show other scared, little gay children, teenagers, and adults who are still deep in the closet, that they’re not alone.

beauty killer

So self-obsessed with my mascara and mistakes
Vanity’s like a funeral, and everyone’s at my wake
Before I run out of there, there’s more make-up to apply
So I stare into valium-colored skies

Hi! Thank you for coming to read my musings. I still don’t know what to do with this blog, honestly, but I know that it’s probably going to be something along a stream of consciousness. I’m probably going to write some of my #hot-takes and semi-interesting thoughts while I progress with my manuscripts.

I was supposed to write something here about the value of discipline and the fact that keeping and maintaining a website hasn’t been one of my fortes, but that sounded boring and seemed a lot like I was trying to say something along the lines of, “Hey! Look at me! I’m doing good!” when in reality, I’ve been lazy as heck.

Still, I’m going to do my absolute best to make sure everything is in tip-top shape and is as good as it possibly can be. And here, I’m hoping to share more about my life; my thoughts; all the nice little aspects of keeping a blog! So honestly, really, expect this to be boring. Mostly I sit on my desk, drink water, and tap-tap away at the keyboard, unless I’m playing video games.

If you’re still here with me, then thank you! Awesome! I’ll try not to waste too much of your time.

Lots of love,